Special…

I really didn’t want to forget this night, or whatever that has happened. I want to be able to record it, as I know that this will be a turning point in my life.

I have just broken up with my girlfriend. Now this might seem like an ordinary love story, and for some maybe it is, but for me it is indeed special.

I don’t know if it’s flattery, but people see me as a person who could have dated a lot of girls, but to be honest, I’m not. I don’t think I’m the type, not now not ever. I have had only one girlfriend before her, which was way back in high school, which lasted just 3 months. I may have had courted other girls after that, but none pushed through.

This has been a surreal year. She is very different. She would often look me down whenever I call her ‘hot’, because she says its rude to call girls like that. But she is, flaming, blazing hot. She sort of does have an inferiority complex. She feels she’s not beautiful, or that she has many flaws, and so I would complement her, not to flatter her, or boost her ego, but because she is indeed very beautiful, and I would fight anyone who would say otherwise.

It’s been a long time since I’ve cried in front of someone. I must admit that it’s not very ‘manly”: breaking down in front of the girl who should see me as a strong one. But I honestly couldn’t help it. I tried joking around a few times, but it ends up with me bursting in tears.

We did a lot of things, and right now, I am afraid I can only look back to them as memories. I want to be able to do them again, not with some other person, but with her, her alone.

Yes, it is too early for me to say this is it, I want to spend my life with her. She is special, in more ways than I could ever think of. She is the first girl I have ever kissed in the lips and I want her to be the last. I don’t want anyone else. It might be selfish, but I don’t think I can ever be happy with anyone else.

For now, I will honor her decision. I can never put her in a position that will endanger her, because I love her. I can only pray that our time, for now, is indeed just ‘paused’ by God and that it will be restored once the time is right.

She is special, she is my heart.

I love you, my dear…..

Big Mouth, His and Her Story

I never really thought about it, but it seems my mouth is speaking again what my mind is not thinking. Yes, that is actually impossible, as ideas spoken are usually the idead thought. But I need you to believe that that is nothing…

I want you to believe that whatever I say is sincere, as I am sincere to you. Though from time to time I tend to say these random words that are not actually meant for you, just random words that my mouth has said and that my mind hasnt quite sorted out.

It must have offended you, and I dont know if sorry is enough to take it all back. Just as you said, maybe time-travelling might be the best solution so that we wont have to go through it. I just hope and pray that I can make it up with you, and that you would give me that chance.

I dont want our story to end yet. As cliche as it might sound, I will fight to get you back.

Whereever I am, I’m yours.

Good morning dear.

The Speck: Crash, Metal Wings (Part Two)

I never actually was able to follow up on my previous entries. Guess I was a bit of a lazy person, never ever actually committing to this blog thingy. I know people wont believe me when I say “I’m not much of a talker”, but when I do say that, I mean I am not actually used to sharing to people.

It’s a bit weird to actually continue on with the Speck series, but I guess I wanted to be able to finish it, so that I can finally move on… At the time of this writing, I am at a happy place right now, and so I want to be able to let go of the past, embrace it as a part of me, but not be anchored by it anymore. I wish to be able to do all of these things, so that we can be together my dear….

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I have always thought of myself as a person who can do virtually anything. If I were to write a new CV right now, I most probably would write “I am a fast learner” or “I am a quick study”.  Might be exaggerating a bit, but I do believe I can learn things pretty fast. I cant say that I am able to learn them all really well, but when I do, I do it fast and good. Sometimes I even think if I was given a chance to actually use all my skills, I’d be unbeatable.

And yet all superheroes (I’d rather not think of me as a superhero though) have their weaknesses, and so obviously I have them too.  Again, people might not believe it when I tell them I have low self-esteem, but I sometimes do.

Having to go to work everyday, it feels like I’m just a tool. Yes, I understand that it is work and that basically you do what you can for the company. But I feel sad, because of the fact that it seems that I am not even a person to the people around me, and when I say people around me, my teammates.

I might be wrong in assuming these things, but I feel like I am just there to answer their questions, to help them in their tasks, to bother for stuff. I am just a human “wikipedia”, a human “google”, whatever is the most appropriate term. Looking back, my teammates would often ask me out to go “hang-out” with them, but I guess I’m not even worth it anymore.

I might be able to do a lot of things, but even the sturdiest of all airplanes, those made of solid steel, those that can soar and fly against the strongest winds will be broken to pieces when they crash. I know I have been separate from them from sometime now, but no one even bothers to reach out. It is a bit stupid I know, relationships are always two-way, it doesnt mean one side always has to do everything. I guess I am a bit holding back, afraid of being hurt, afraid of being treated like a speck, but too stupid to do anything about it….

The Speck: Part One

Watched “The Happening” today in a Hong Kong cinema. Cost me like 55 HKD as it is a Tuesday today and there is like a “Tuesday” discount, but still very expensive compared to the cinemas that we have back in the Philippines. I never was a very big movie buff, mostly download the movies that I watch (really need to change this habit of mine), but I miss being in the big theatres, well it is definitely bigger in the Philippines, than it is here in HK.

A bit disappointed though, as I was expecting like a big “twist” in the story, but I got none. Oh well, I guess it seems that good ‘ol M. Night Shyamalan maybe losing his touch. Or is it that I was always expecting twists from him? Either way, felt lonely again after watching the movie, not because the movie was not that great.

Was walking back to the apartment when I got the feeling again. Actually I was with two of my colleagues who are currently living in the same building as I am. They flew in on the 2nd of June and one will be staying here until the 25th, one will be helping me until the end of August. This was a big project for the company, hence they need to get all the resources they need.

The one flying back to Manila on the 25th is a girl, actually, she is the girl that I like. I have told her what I feel in a letter (though it may be taken in a different context because it came with a gift) and well given her some flowers last Valentine’s day (with an anonymous letter). Guess it seems that I still cant get over the fact that I dont stand a chance with her.

What kills me the most right now is the fact that she is nice and sweet to all other people, even nicer and sweeter to other guys. Sometimes, when we are in the same room and I hear her talking to someone else sounding very interested to the one she is talking to, or even laughing ang giggling when she chats with “that” person, I cant seem to bottle up what I feel. I usually stand up and get some water, but actually I try to walk out the frustration. The fact that I cant talk to her is squeezing my heart out is draining my EQ. I want to be able to not feel this way, but I cant look her in the eye because I know I still like her, a lot.

We got off the bus, and it was raining. Of course, I didnt expect them to wait for me in the frizzy rain, but they just got up the elevator not waiting for me. Also, if they need to buy something from the supermarket, they dont ask me if I want to come. I guess I disconnected myself from them to the point that I am a total stranger.

Sadly, I dont mind being disconnected from the other people, just not her.

Now, I am using this energy to work, use the frustration as fuel for work.

Guess I need some more time to better tell the story of this girl.

I just know that I am nothing more than an acquaintance to her. It hurts a lot, because I know we were good friends before. I was just too stupid and betrayed her trust.

Spread… and MULTIPLY

I stayed in my apartment the entire morning until at the time of writing this post. I woke up early because there was some job to do, but apparently it was also delayed because there are other “maintenance” to be done in the morning. To those who dont know, it is actually Sunday today, and I know, I am kind of a loser having to work on a Sunday, but what the heck.

Did my morning chores while waiting for the “downtime” that comes with the “maintenance”. Actually, just reheated the food I cooked last night. It is called “Bicol Express”. It is a very good Filipino dish, and I recommend it to people who likes very spicy food. You can try to find the recipe here .

Also did some clothes pressing because I have not done it in a while. Yep, I know how to press my clothes. Being raised in a family of four boys kind of instills the “independent” sense into you. That is why I know how to cook, wash and press clothes, and most household chores. Maybe that is why I am holding myself up very well even when in a foreign country.

The rest of the day, well I spent updating my MULTIPLY account. I know, I know, it is long overdue. Whenever I take pictures of events and people ask me how I am going to post it, I always say I am going to post it in my MULTIPLY but was too lazy to update it.

To all you guys I promised to post the pics, so sorry. I will try my best to find those pics again and post them up. Hopefully I can still find them all.

Did some major revamping, uploaded some pictures and well, as of the moment, I only have 3 contacts, so here’s me hoping to MULTIPLY.

A colleague of mine from work has a very good set of pictures in his multiply. Please check out his multiply account here . He is indeed a very talented photographer, and I envy him because he improves, whilst I remain stagnant. I really need to pick up the pace here. Please visit his account and drop some comments.

Also, today I tried joining the A Photo A Day organization or as they are more popularly known, APAD. Wanted to be able to commit to Photography as I have invested a bit into this very “expensive” hobby, and I dont want to regret spending even a cent into the items I bought. Hopefully, I can commit to a very strict schedule so that photography will “stick” to me and will be like breathing.

I will try to go out today, to take some pictures. Hopefully I will have a great picture that I will be proud of, so that I may finally be able to post a picture in my deviantART account. I have no pictures yet that I feel like a “print” quality, that is why my deviantART account is as empty as it can be.

Anyways, that is that for now. And goodluck to me for finding a good picture today.

Dreaming… of You…

I dreamt of her again last night. I know that people shouldn’t be able to remember their dreams as dreams are supposed to be fabrications of their subconscious mind. I know I have seen that one in one of the Discovery Channel documentaries. Maybe I’ll post a link to that when I find it again, so that I have proof.

Back to the dream, it sucks when it actually happens in real life, but even dreaming of it? I dont know why I keep on dreaming of her with him. I know I should really pick up my life already, for seven months now, but never could. I keep on thinking I have a chance of her even though there are a lots of barriers (social status, religion, even cultural). I am not even that spontaneous to begin with; I start/strike very spontaneous dicussions but I dont think I can be like that for a long time. I am stupid to think that I dont, but the fact that I am thinking that means I dont believe I have a chance with her.

I guess for the next five years, I will do my best to improve myself. I have not finished my early-30s list, but will do so until the end. She has a two-heart link ring, which probably may not mean anything, except it is on her engagement finger. I know I should be thankful for what has already been given to me, but I need to know my limit, I need to go beyond my comfort zone, I need to take more risks. I will be doing stuff here and there, and hopefully I can find myself again.

And when that time comes, and YOU are still available, I hope to be able to see you again. Maybe we are just destined to be friends, but I wont be closing the other doors just yet. I know I wont be “Dreaming of You” without a reason. My heart will always bear your name, your face, YOU. Hopefully we can be better friends for now.

The First

Hi!

It’s been a real long time since I last updated this BLOG…

Scratch that. Even though I have long registered in this service, I have yet to post a real FIRST post. Considering that I registered to a lot of blog sites that I know of since “blogging” was in (felt like ages ago), I never really got the hang of why people are so much into it.

Then why am I writing one now? Honestly I am not so sure. I never really kept tabs on what I do, because it is always either too trivial or too hard to note every detail. Guess I’m a bit too lazy to do it. I guess that’s just it :p

Today is the 7th of June 2008. I wanted to be able to start “things” on a very noteable date so I can remember when I started doing them. Every date I have decided to crept up on me, guess I wasn’t that decided what I will do so I never did. But now is 06-07-08! I will wait for another 100 years before this date comes again.

So what is this “things” I am talking about. A week back I talked to a college friend using YM and we were discussing the things we wanted to do. I am 24 right now and I am not getting any younger. I dont ever want to regret not doing things because I am too afraid to try. Most of the time I am afraid to try because I either have no means to do it (I can’t save enough money now to spend on a European tour), or I am too afraid to fail. But for everytime I am holding myself back, I am stopping my life. Anyways, I will start making a list right now. Definitely not a “BUCKET LIST”, but a list of what I need to do before I hit 30. I will be finishing the list this end of June, and I will be sticking to that list until I reach 30.

This is pretty much a pretty boring first post. But let’s see, maybe I can post something to add to this first post a little later today.