I never actually was able to follow up on my previous entries. Guess I was a bit of a lazy person, never ever actually committing to this blog thingy. I know people wont believe me when I say “I’m not much of a talker”, but when I do say that, I mean I am not actually used to sharing to people.
It’s a bit weird to actually continue on with the Speck series, but I guess I wanted to be able to finish it, so that I can finally move on… At the time of this writing, I am at a happy place right now, and so I want to be able to let go of the past, embrace it as a part of me, but not be anchored by it anymore. I wish to be able to do all of these things, so that we can be together my dear….
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I have always thought of myself as a person who can do virtually anything. If I were to write a new CV right now, I most probably would write “I am a fast learner” or “I am a quick study”. Might be exaggerating a bit, but I do believe I can learn things pretty fast. I cant say that I am able to learn them all really well, but when I do, I do it fast and good. Sometimes I even think if I was given a chance to actually use all my skills, I’d be unbeatable.
And yet all superheroes (I’d rather not think of me as a superhero though) have their weaknesses, and so obviously I have them too. Again, people might not believe it when I tell them I have low self-esteem, but I sometimes do.
Having to go to work everyday, it feels like I’m just a tool. Yes, I understand that it is work and that basically you do what you can for the company. But I feel sad, because of the fact that it seems that I am not even a person to the people around me, and when I say people around me, my teammates.
I might be wrong in assuming these things, but I feel like I am just there to answer their questions, to help them in their tasks, to bother for stuff. I am just a human “wikipedia”, a human “google”, whatever is the most appropriate term. Looking back, my teammates would often ask me out to go “hang-out” with them, but I guess I’m not even worth it anymore.
I might be able to do a lot of things, but even the sturdiest of all airplanes, those made of solid steel, those that can soar and fly against the strongest winds will be broken to pieces when they crash. I know I have been separate from them from sometime now, but no one even bothers to reach out. It is a bit stupid I know, relationships are always two-way, it doesnt mean one side always has to do everything. I guess I am a bit holding back, afraid of being hurt, afraid of being treated like a speck, but too stupid to do anything about it….
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Radical Thinker 
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